Somedays I Don't Think Of You At All

Teddy...

My biggest, hardest, longest and first heart "break". The one who started it all.

2008 - Athletics Banquet - Fanshawe College

I had this job that required me to talk at the athletic banquet, and when I got up to give my awkward wave, the volleyball teams, mens, was the most audible thing. Later that night, the captain of the team, also a decent friend, says that I should meet them at the bar after. Why not?

I go, and meet some of his teammates, one guy who catches my attention. But he was hammered and I was shy, it was nothing really.

We saw each other literally like 3 times the following school day, and it was that awkward "Heeey"...regardless, somehow it ended up that he came out to a bar with me and the best one night, and he asked me on a date. I was PUMPED.

Tall, dark hair, kinda goofy looking (which I like), athletic, nice, makes me laugh, to-be paramedic, great first date.

Turns out - he applied to Kenora district EMS..which is literally a 24 hour car drive from where we were. Regardless, because things were sOoOooo good, we continued our little romance for like 2 months until he moved. I even flew out to visit this guy..ugh.

This is getting way too long, and not to the point - but regardless, we keep in touch and it's clear that we REALLY like each other, but the distance is not going to change any time soon, so something had to give. We ended up arguing when he came to visit and nothing has been the same since.

It took me FOREVER to get over him. Months. I could almost say that if he came back into my life, I would attempt to pick things up starting off at our last good moment together. Lame.

I can go weeks without thinking of him. Somedays, I don't go more then an hour without thinking of him. I honestly don't even know how I feel about him. I'm over him, but would things be different if he came back? I really wonder if he ever thinks about me. If he sees something and goes "Oh..that reminds me of this one time, with Lauren.." and I'll never know.

I know that somethings are better if you never know - but this is just something that I constantly wonder about, so should I attempt to figure this one out? Who knows. I love blogs.

Insult or Insight?

I started reading "He's Just Not That Into You" the other day - my sister-in-law works at a library and their downsizing. She got the book figuring it would be something I would enjoy reading. (Is that an insult? or insight?)

Anyways, at the beginning, it lists all the chapters. He's just not that into you if...he's not calling, seeing someone else, not having sex with you...so on and so forth. And I gotta give it to them, this book is certainly eye opening, but for me, it worked in sorta the opposite way. Which gets me thinking just as much. 

I was comparing two guys that I have in my life. Corey - the guy who I work with that is REALLY into me, and Steve, the guy I was REALLY into, but moved far away.

Corey is the exact opposite of the guys they describe in this book. He always wants to hang out, he's really understanding, beyond what he should be at some times. He constantly tells me how much he cares about me. When we hang out, it actually is really good. No pressure, so relaxed and just comfortable. The only thing is..there are two sides to this guy. He's weird slash crazy sometimes. You have to get to know him before you can justify some of the stuff he does, and that's a huge flaw in him. He comes off weird to everyone, and you cannot blame anyone for thinking that he's a weird guy, but if you got to know Corey, it makes sense why he acts like he does. (See, I friggin sound like I'm rationalizing for him, but I'm really not...that's a fact)

Steve - shit. We still text, phone and write. He's not really good with texting, he'll say "I miss your ass" rather then just writing "I miss you" which sounds ten times nicer. I'm just going to get straight to the point with this one. I like him, I REALLY do, there is nothing wrong with him and he's my kinda guy all around - but I totally feel like I'm holding back for something to happen with Steve, and that something could never happen. It COULD happen if we lived closer, but he doesn't, we have no idea when he's moving back. I'll see him over Christmas which is great, but I almost feel like I'm grasping for something to hold on to..and it shouldn't be like that. 

Here are my options:

1. Forget Steve, give Corey a shot. (Which means he has to win over my friends..)

2. Forget Steve, forget Corey.

3. Keep holding on for something with Steve. (Which means ending things with Corey completely)

4. Let Steve know exactly how I feel, see what he has to say, and then deal with Corey accordingly.

This is just my own reflection that just came to me: I think my life experiences combined with Sarahs has more meaning then this damn book.

Switch it up..

Enough about boys..I figured that the one person that probably reads this (Sarah), she already knows my man drama..so I'm going to take the time/blog to just write out things that I love, and things that I hate..

Love

1. Clapping. I know this seems random, but I'm a fitness instructor, and when my group, at the end of the class, claps because it was a good class, I probably blush.

2. My Dad. That should technically come before clapping, but my Dad is the best (so is everyone elses Dad..) but him and I, were pretty close. I love him.

3. My best friend. Everyone says that, but I honestly believe that Sarah and I are closer then the average set of best friends. We have never fought, and we sat together every class, lived together and pretty much shared the same life for over a year. I literally miss her more then anything, and love her even more <3

4. Good grammar. I once had a thing with this guy, and he was REALLY good with words, like, philosopher good, but he wasn't nerdy, but it was such a turn on. Odd..

Hate

1. Germ-a-phobes. I just don't get it. Friggin, small little particles of whatever aren't going to kill you, unless it's swine, which is avoidable. Wash your hands, yes. Using your feet to open doors, lame.

2. A million questions. The worst part of my day is when I get home from work and someone (Mom) has a thousand pointless questions. It's even worse when they're repetitive. Suck it.

3. Meaningless tattoos. If you're going to get a tear drop underneath your eye, you better have killed someone. When someone's body is filled with a bunch of random little tattoos, I judge them.

4. People with excuses. I work with this guy, and he has an excuse for EVERYTHING. There is always some other reason, aside from him self, that affected what he just failed at doing. He fails a lot too, so I hear a lot of excuses.

I think this is satisfactory. The germ-a-phobes thing is something I just realized that I hate..that's why it's first, and probably also why I wrote this. And there you have it..

Wash Cloth & Never Again

Wash Cloth

This was from a show I was just watching. This guy had a random goat in his house and a random hate for this goat. The goat was locked in the bathroom and had a wash cloth in it's mouth. The guy got pissed, and ends up because he's sick of this goat and it's obsession with the wash cloth. Later on in the show, the guy is doing some thinking, and his friend says something along these lines..

"It's like the goat with the wash cloth. You don't need the wash cloth, neither does the goat, but when you take it away, it gets really upset. And it's only a wash cloth"

I realize this is the most random post and comparison, but whatever, it's true. Sometimes, we get so caught up with having something, or were searching for a feeling, and we want it so badly. But when you get caught up, you find yourself having feelings for something insignificant. You get angry when it gets taken away, and it's not even something you really wanted in the first place. 

Never Again

These are just song lyrics that are applicable..

I never wanna kiss you again

Never wanna walk through the park holding your hand

No more talking all night until the early morning

It's such a shame to say that we'll never be the same again

The love we once shared boy no longer

It no longer remains and no it's harder, the pain because

He never really knew, he wondered

Was he being untrue or was I being a fool because

I'm gone and I;m never coming home

So baby don't call cause I won't answer the phone

Stay out of my life baby just leave me alone

And it's such a shame to say that we'll never be the same

Baby stop and think about it,

You lied to me, lied to me

Back peddling.

Alright - so this blog will have two parts (maybe 3, I change my mind sometimes). The first will be a background information, the rest will be the story that I'm getting to. Hold on to your seats, this is about to get...messed up.

Background:

 I graduated from Fitness and Health Promotion, I'm a CPT and I current work in a gym leading group fitness classes, doing fitness testing and the odd personal training here and there. The guy i the last blog, the co-worker that is potentially going over-seas for a 6 month term, I met him at college and now we work together.

  This guy, Corey *I was going to use code names, but whatever...* he's not your average guy. He's jacked, and I think his culture has hugely affected the way he acts. I'm not even being racist, I promise, he is just very formal and constantly profession, and some take it as being cocky, and sometimes it totally is. He is the definition of keeping your work and personal life separate. Example: someone at work asks him what he's doing on a weekend, he'll say "I don't know but it'll be fun!" but he actually has a crazy weekend in London planned out...like, this guy aims to remain a mystery, and totally does.

Main Body:

  Corey and I met in my first year, and I think drunkenly made out in a bar once (Yay bad decisions). That was that. We started working together, and he liked me, but it was an on-again off-again type of thing (He's kinda weird, keep that in mind). To save time, eventually him and I started seeing each other, but he would constantly refer to me as his girlfriend, even though I made it CRYSTAL clear that we are just "seeing" each other, NOT dating.

  We hang out, and when it's him and I, everything is fine. He's not all that weird, and we can have any kind of conversation. One day, out of no where, he told me that he had applied for a job that's a 6-month contract to work over-seas, and he was telling me to sort of ask for approval. Of course, I'd let him apply. Things carry on between us..

  Friday (the day after my birthday) he tells me that he got accepted to go to the 2-week training, which if he passes, he could go away within days. **Sidebar - this job that he applies for allows you to make TONNES of money and basically save it because there is nothing to spend it on over there**. Once he returns from over-sees, he wants to take his saved monies and apply for the police force, which is another 8 months of training.

  Boys who move, right? He even said he would apply to police wherever i was living if it meant we could still be together. He even used the phrase "I could be with you forever". Bold. Anyways, we still hung out after him dropping the news, but it was clearly a bit different.

  Today (this is what you've been waiting to hear), him and I drove to Tim Hortons and he asks me if I'm busy this week. I tell him what I've got planned...whatever right? This is how the rest of the conversation plays out.

Him: "I don't think we should hang out anymore.."

Lauren: (frustrated) "Uhhh....okay? It's up to you.."

Him: "Are we still seeing each other?"

Lauren: "What do you think?! You just said you don't want to hang out anymore, your putting us at nothing more then work acquaintances.."

Him: "Well...just so you know, I can't open up to you anymore, about personal stuff. You're on the outside now."

EXCUSE FRIGGIN ME?!?! So just a couple days ago he could "spend forever with him" and now I'm reduced to a co-worker? There is NOTHING to show for the patience I had with him, for all that I've put up with and looked passed? I go from being something he couldn't be without to something he can't be with. SCREEEEEW YOU. (Him..not you..)

Needless to say - this all happened before 8am and I've probably given him about 3 words since then...

I secretly hope, in a bitchy, bitchy way, that he goes for his training, but he doesn't get the job. Then he'll have done all that junk for absolutely nothing. SUCK ON THAT.

B-I-T-T-E-R

Vent and Learn

I'm just going to jump in with both feet on this one..

   You know when you make a mistake, and you promise yourself that you'll learn from it and never let that happen again? Well, that is much easier said then done. Point and case: boys. (Sidebar: I don't want to sound all bitter about men, this is just what happened. True story)

  Just over a year ago, I meet this guy, and he isn't the "typical" guy that I'd go for, but there is just something about this one. He's tall, athletic, and just about to graduate from the Paramedic program. We go on a date that is just so cute. It's way too long to explain in detail, but like, you know when you have a cute inside joke that carries on throughout a relationship..so many of those moments happened on just the first night. Things go well, so freaking well! Turns out, he applies for a job in literally the middle of no where, and just leaves. If I was to drive a car to his house, it would literally take me 24 hours. Foolish me with no life lessons under my belt, I fly out to see this guy, have a fantastic weekend. Hello, red flag. He freaking moved for a full-time job, he won't want a relationship 24 hours away. Lesson learned. Boys who move, move on.

  About a year after that, I meet this other guy, and we happen to work together. And here's the catch about people you work with. You do the same job, you probably have the same interests and maybe even the same personality type. Regardless of chemistry, please avoid co-workers. One night, in his room, he breaks the news that he applied for a teaching job in the Yukon and got it. Boys who move, move on. But hey, I don't remember this. So things carry on with us, and it's the same kinda thing. We have fun going nowhere together, he makes every other guy seem insignificant..blah blah blah. The kicker is that he literally is a great guy, and the silly distance doesn't make letting go any easier.

  So whatever, he's gone. NEXT. I apparently learned NOTHING from the past two stories, because the next guy that comes along is a co-worker. This one was different though. I knew him from before we worked together, and he clearly liked me a lot more then I liked him. (That's not even conceited, it's true..I was "taking things slow"). But after he brings me flowers for my birthday, charms the parents and replaces my super important iPod, he gets under my skin and I start to fall for him. He applied for a 6-month job over sees. And once he comes back, he wants to apply to be a cop and be gone for another 8-months of training. FRIGGIN BOYS WHO MOVE?!?! 

  So the lesson here is, when boys are good, they move. My theory is that I should move. But that's as far as the theory goes, it really has nothing more to it then that, I just want to be the one to leave for something better. First I was left by an awesome guy, then I was left by a co-worker, then I was left by an awesome guy co-worker. Someone, PLEASE, learn a lesson from these stories. Someone should benefit.

Boys who move, move on.

This is a blog.

Oh hey there..

I'm really new to this whole blogging thing, so I have no idea how people go about writing these things. I'm just going to write away and call this my first blog.

I got the idea of creating a blog from the best friend, and at first I thought it was just some like on-line diary, but whatever, I'll tell my random stories on here and see where it gets me.

Anyways, I'll make a real "entry" or whatever you call it when I write something, in a little bit. This was just my introductory little...blog. 

To be continued...